Day 5..

I'm home sick today. The doctor says I have the flu-bug that's going around. I had a bowl of soup and some tea. I figured it may help, but all I can think about is how much I just want to get on the treadmill. I can't wait till thursday. My dad works midnights and I usually stay on there for a long time. I try to burn at least 500 calories. I feel so amazing, come friday morning.
I'm starting a diet blog. I'm wanting to get some friends to join me on it. I'll post a link when I have it up.

Until next time

Day 4..

I've spent the weekend at my friend Brandi's house, which explains me not posting yesterday. It was a pretty rough weekend, but I made it through. Brandi always has a way to lift my spirits. My self esteem is in the toilet though, and I feel like I'll never be good enough. You could ask me why, a thousand times, and I probably would never be able to tell you. My weight has a pretty good grasp on it though. I'm 95lbs now, and it's nothing close to where I was. Two years ago, I was 78lbs. After being hospitalized, my weight got shot up and I hate it. I look in the mirror and I feel like dying. I see all these people around me, and every female seems to always be so much thinner than me. It kills me inside. Food makes me furious..
Its one of the worst things in the world when you're afraid of something you need to survive. We need food to live, but I want to die when I eat.
I'm back on my pro-ana sites, and I'm back to counting calories and weighing myself. My days are so much longer, and I'm not happy.
How do people do it? Even girls who look average, in weight, are happy as can be. How? I don't understand it.

until then..

Day 2..

Yesterday was awful.
I have so much stress going on, it's making me crazy. I'll be graduating soon, and I still feel like a kid. I hate it.
My dad won't let me get my license until my grades are where the insurance company covers me. I've tried so hard, and I finally got my grades great! But two days before report cards go out, one teacher decides to give us a test..and I bombed it. My grades weren't right by 2 points. Which is upsetting. I'm having to wait till May to drive.
It wouldn't bother me so much if there was more to do. I need out of the house. I feel like I'm cramped in this house, and I feel like it's suffocating me. When everything just presses on me, I need to get out. I can't breathe like this.
I love my dad to death, and I love hanging out with him. It's not that I want away from him. It's just the fact that I hate him seeing me this way. He doesn't need my crap on his plate too.
I haven't weighed myself yet. I'm still afraid to.
I'll be posting a weight chart on this site, in a few minuets.

I really hope there's people reading this. It sucks writing all of this, and not having people there to listen.

Day 1..

Tonight, my boyfriend and a few of my friends are all going to see Sucker Punch. So, that's going to fun.
I have one more block before school lets out-I'm a senior.
I'm waiting for lunch to let out; I usually spend lunch in the library. Too many people cram in that lunch room, and it makes me really uncomfortable. I think there's about 300 kids in there. It's ridicules.
I haven't had anything to eat today, aside from a few sips of skim milk. I'll probably have something small when I get home. I've learned from the years of dealing with this, if you eat something small..it's much better than eating nothing.
When you eat nothing for several days: you're more likely to pass out, more likely to crash and eat too much, and when you do crash and eat..you end up beating yourself up. So, I've noted that it's best to have at least one small thing to eat throughout the day. Honestly, it's getting harder and harder for me though. After getting out of my eating disorder the first time, I was able to eat around my friends. Even if it was just a little food, I was able to do it. Now, I can't even seem to put food in my mouth without getting panicky.
I'm back to counting calories, and I'm back to obsessing.
It's bittersweet, in a way. It's nice to be thin. You feel wonderful, you feel powerful, you feel like your day has gotten so much brighter. But it hurts. Your stomach is in cramps, it becomes the focus of your attention, and you're miserable. It's not a fun thing. There are times that I wish I could look like the other girls. Be attractive and eat like it's no big deal. Sometimes, I wish I could get back down to 78lbs, right now, then I'd be able to eat and feel perfect. Then, sometimes I just wish I could close my eyes and make all this crap disappear. - but it never does. It's still here.

Does anyone ever feel this way?

Hello, everyone.

It's been a long time since I've started blogging on topics of my anorexia. Use to, I'd sit and blog about this all day. I would always try to find sites with girls just like me. It's been about two years since my last Ana blog. For some reason it always comes back to bite me. It's not something I enjoy, but it seems to be something I can't get rid of.
I'll be posting on this blog everyday. I'm hoping to gather some friends a long the way.

Until then.