I've spent the weekend at my friend Brandi's house, which explains me not posting yesterday. It was a pretty rough weekend, but I made it through. Brandi always has a way to lift my spirits. My self esteem is in the toilet though, and I feel like I'll never be good enough. You could ask me why, a thousand times, and I probably would never be able to tell you. My weight has a pretty good grasp on it though. I'm 95lbs now, and it's nothing close to where I was. Two years ago, I was 78lbs. After being hospitalized, my weight got shot up and I hate it. I look in the mirror and I feel like dying. I see all these people around me, and every female seems to always be so much thinner than me. It kills me inside. Food makes me furious..
Its one of the worst things in the world when you're afraid of something you need to survive. We need food to live, but I want to die when I eat.
I'm back on my pro-ana sites, and I'm back to counting calories and weighing myself. My days are so much longer, and I'm not happy.
How do people do it? Even girls who look average, in weight, are happy as can be. How? I don't understand it.
until then..
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